emptiness. goals. motivation?

All of us, for instance, carry around inside ourselves, I believe, a certain emptiness — a sense that something is missing, a restlessness, the deep feeling that somehow all is not right inside our skin. Psychologists sometimes call it anxiety, theologians sometimes call it estrangement, but whatever you call it, I doubt that there are many who do not recognize the experience itself….  Part of the inner world of everyone is this sense of emptiness, unease, incompleteness, and I believe that this in itself is a word from God, that this is the sound that God’s voice makes in a world that has explained him away. In such a world, I suspect that maybe God speaks to us most clearly through his silence, his absence, so that we know him best through our missing him…. [quote taken from this article.]

I get tired of being so Type-A; of always needing a sense of order, rhythm, like the shore and the sand and the sea–a movement of in and out. I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately, haven’t felt like writing, not really able to sit and listen to the water beat against the sand, not even really able to enjoy an entire cup of coffee…

I’ve been talking with several of my friends lately about where they find their motivation. Interesting responses, “I didn’t like what the scale told me I was.” “I was so unhappy with myself and I needed a change.” “I just felt tired of sitting so much.” “I wanted to start living my own life not watching others live theirs..”

Anyway, my first thought after several of these conversations is that ‘motivation’ isn’t a gift someone else can give to me. It isn’t really something I can find, or run into–like a garage sale on a Saturday morning.  I have to make it. I have to bring it out in myself, I have to carry it around and turn it into something useful.

I hate using ‘motivation’ in relation to spirituality.  It seems unfitting, unnecessary, and… too success driven.  But somehow, this restlessness, this feeling of things not being right in my own skin–has crept up on me lately, in a lot of ways, and in a lot of places.  I don’t know if this restlessness or ‘silence’ of sorts is in anyway God speaking/not speaking to me/through me… but this idea of searching, of goals, of list-making, of wading through this emptiness–it has intrigued me.  So I wanted to share this article from Catapult Magazine, to see how others search to fill this emptiness, how others name it, or ignore it… what do you do with it, where do you put it, how do you listen for it or to it?

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