the price

Aside from the heresy, blasphemy, and all together useless words that we have learned as Religion majors—I am really overwhelmed with Evangelicalism, I am extremely tired of feeling inadequate to participate in certain “academic” conversations, I’m not a competitive person by nature and so this realm of academia is not really where I belong…or at least not for now.  I don’t think I’m liberal but I know I’m not a conservative, I’m not really that radical, and I ask questions more than state my own opinion.  I’m sick of the lack of authenticity and originality-in the Church moreover.  I especially hate sitting in the pew on Sunday morning or Saturday night criticizing everything that is coming from the pulpit, the PowerPoint projector, or the types of prayers we “pray”.  The creed that we confess is not the creed we live out.  The songs we sing are about a distant lover—to an Unknown God.  I am tired of the idol we have created with our own hands, our own minds, and our own desires.  I do not want to worship this God anymore. 


We have lost God.  We have lost our identities. 


I have been sucked into the Liberal Arts Institution to which I have paid my tuition and have been spoon fed a theology of grace but have not seen it lived out, a theology of love but have no way to define it, a God who calls us to carry our cross to come and die—and I have died.  My sense of wonder, gone.  My curiosity about this life, it’s gone too.  Hope that I may actually do something creative to positively display the work of God in my life—nope.  I’m not a theologian, a pastor, a leader, or a follower.  I am not arrogant, I am not humble, I am not lost, and I definitely do not know the way.


I am disillusioned, disenchanted, disappointed, disheartened. 


But I am educated.


One comment

  1. theawkwardembrace · ·

    oh man.

    and how.

    i needed to read this today. thanks for the reminder that i’m not the only one who feels this way. and be reminded that you’re not the only one who feels/felt this way.

    miss you.

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